An Unhinged Homesteading Post, I Guess?
PSA: This got a little fever-dreamy, so please do not take this seriously. I got very hysterical. I’m currently proofreading whilst crying with laughter. I have nothing else to say in my defence.
I wasn’t sure what to write today. I’m feeling something light and fun. So, I decided to search, “fun blog ideas” to see if anything caught my fancy. And I came across sunriseandgrind.com and the post 101 Creative and Fun Blog Post Ideas For Simple Lifestyle Bloggers.
And right at the bottom, there were 15 bonus ideas for homesteading-specific blog posts.
And I thought, “hmm…this sounds like the right amount of chaotic silliness.”
I know nothing about homesteading. I don’t really vibe with the whole trad-wife thing. I can understand the nostalgic appeal of a simpler time, living off the land, seemingly safe from the state f**king you sideways. On the other hand, I don’t think the answer is putting women and femmes in the position of being utterly financially dependent on, and subservient to, their husbands.
But do I wish I had a pantry of handmade seasonal preserves? Yes. Yes, I do.
So of course I’m qualified to talk about various goats milk products! Obviously, I don’t know enough to write a full post on each topic. So today I’m going to speed-run these 15 topics so we can prepare for our post-apocalyptic homestead together.
Onward, comrades!
How to Raise Dairy Goats
The first step in raising dairy goats is to ‘procure’ some starter goats from your local lord (assuming the post-apocalypse sees a regression to serfdom). I’d imagine they could be lured with salvaged avocadoes from the nearest dilapidated vegan brunch café, but if that’s not available, any greenery should do.
Once you have your starter goats, create a covered pen for them and put on Barry White. Within 150 days, you should have between 1 and 3 baby goats (also known as kids). These will form the basis of your dairy goat empire.
Goats typically need three things: food, water, and things to scream at. This is where your homestead’s scarecrow can pull double duty, so keep this in mind when planning out your compound.
Behind the Scenes of the Milking Process
This is an OnlyFans Exclusive. Once I’ve made my OnlyFans, I will edit this post with the link.
Processing the Milk: What Can You Do With It?
Milk is far from a one trick pony, but it’s so easy to feel confined by the socially accepted uses for milk. So if you’re looking to expand beyond cream, yogurt, ice-cream and cheese, here are some alternative uses:
Bath in it - long considered the number one beauty treatment, add this to your skin routine to get that better-than-radioactive glow (note: you will need a substantial goat empire for this).
Use it for baptisms - we all know water is scarce at the moment - thanks, global warming! So if you want to make sure your welcomed into God’s Kingdom, milk could be the perfect substitute. With an 87% water content, I’m sure St. Peter will admire your inginuity.
Drown your enemies in it - if your in the mafia, you’ll know that the drought is making sleeping with the fishes a lot more tricky. So use your goat racket to make a family drowning vat. No more driving around looking for adequate bodies of water.
Drink it - I mean, if you want to…
Benefits of Raw Goat Milk
Diseases.
How to Care for a Baby Goat When Mama Rejects It
Raise it as your own in the jungle until adulthood when a group of outsider goats come to explore your house, and your goat son gets to know these strangers like him, and so you show him the goat pen where his parents lived and he decides to go with the new goats, but the big billy goat betrays him and plans to kidnap you and your family, but your goat son escapes and saves you and his adoptive father who finally accepts him, and he has a final boss battle with the billy goat whose voiced by Brian Blessed and…oh no wait, this is the plot of Disney’s Tarzan.
Kidding Season Supply List
S-tier dad jokes. And memes.
Raw Goat Milk Yogurt
1) Milk your goat. 2) Ferment the milk. 3) Feel the judgement of the goat.
Raw Goat Milk Ice Cream
This should be the lowest of your priorities in the hypothetical post-apocalypse I’ve established in this blog so far. What is wrong with you?!
Raw Goat Milk Skin Care Products
Seriously, society has collapsed. You’re baptising your children with goat’s milk. Snap out of it!
Homestead Vision and Planning Process
Assuming that the apocalypse hasn’t happened yet but is clearly on the horizon, I find The Sims to be an excellent homestead planning tool. Not only can you experiment with the layout of your compound, but the customisation tools allow you to figure out your perfect aestetic.
If The Sims DLC is too pricey for you, Farmville is another option. It’s great for getting you into the routine of homesteading, with the endless farming, harvesting and bartering.
When Animals Die - Processing The Circle of Life
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!
How Do You Balance Homesteading With “Regular Life”?
There is no regular life. There are only the Goats. The Goats call to us. They scream in the night, baying for blood and the milk we have stolen. They shun our Goat yogurts and soaps. How can we appease? The bleating of the Goats never ceases…
Children and Chores - Who Does What?
We sold our children for more Goats.
Meet the Farm - Introduce your Readers to All of Your Animals!
Don’t make eye contact! Bow reverently and back away…
What has Homesteading Taught you in The Last Year?
No idea. But this post has taught me that my unfiltered imagination goes to weird places…